How to Love and Disagree

HOW TO LOVE AND DISAGREE

Not too long ago I was talking to someone in my family – I love her and I know she loves me. We had a great conversation, we laughed and shared stories as we caught up on one another’s lives.

At the end of the conversations, she says…

“Chad, I’m glad you’re happy even though I don’t approve of your lifestyle. Be sure to tell Pasha (my husband) that I said hello.”

The wires in my head short-circuited.

Even if she thought it, why would she choose to say that out loud to me after we just had an otherwise wonderful conversation?

I’ve been out to my family for more 20 years, I thought we were past all of this.

This got me thinking about love, beliefs, and disagreement.

Disagreements are not anomalous to relationships, they are an inevitability. So too are the beliefs that drive us individually and the potential for love between us all.

But how do you love someone who doesn’t agree with something that means so much to you? Or worse – what they disagree with is a part of who you are?

As an adult, all relationships are a choice. A choice to create space for another person in your life. Relationships are an agreement between two people to allow one another in their lives.

With all agreements, there are terms.

Those terms are different in every relationship. A generous person, who is most open to connection, makes those terms clear.

When those terms are violated, there are consequences.

Sometimes those consequences are an immediate reaction – a fight. Sometimes the consequences are more passive like the silence, space, and distance that can come between people.

What often creates these disagreements is a clashing of our beliefs. Whether that’s a clash of religious, political, social, or a simple belief in how people should treat one another.

The key to love through disagreement is to understand that your beliefs – all beliefs of any kind – are based on your life experience, the culture you live in, your fears, your defensive mechanisms, your superstition. Those factors are different for everyone – and therefore everyone carries around different beliefs.

Beliefs are attached to your ego.

Love is something completely different.

Love in relationship doesn’t allow one person to diminish the experience of another simply because their beliefs don’t align.

Love is the fullest expression of your self – and your willingness to allow others to do the same.

Love is an expression of your grace.

Love is the antidote to loneliness – because love is what allows real connection between you and another human being.

Love supersedes the ego.

Ultimately, how you love and disagree is a choice.

Will you disagree with dignity and decency?

Will you disagree with love and compassion?

Which is more important? Your beliefs or your love for this person?

Are your individual beliefs worthy of the collective consequences?

Chad Interviewed on the SpeakLOUD Podcast

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Show Notes

Chad Peevy joins me today. He’s an Arkansas native who grew up in an abusive household in a small, rural town. In addition, Chad had to hide his sexuality and learn how to lean into his own truth as an adult.

Growing Up in Arkansas

Some kids grow up with book smarts, some kids grow up with street smarts. Chad had to stay off his dad’s radar at home and tried to manipulate his environment to create safety at school. “For me that meant staying small, quiet, and avoiding confrontation.” At school, he also had a girlfriend to avoid gay slurs and sat on the school council so teachers would like him and offer him a shield of protection. He was constantly shifting and changing to stay safe and wasn’t able to be himself because of his environment.

Changing Survival Skills in Adulthood

As a kid, those survival skills Chad created worked well, but as an adult, he needed to change his tactics with a different set of adult challenges. “I created a mask that I wore with beliefs and mindsets that developed out of necessity.” Although he was successful in business, he was miserable inside as he brought his childhood skills into adulthood. “I had to figure out what was going to make my life better as an adult.

Coming Out Gay

Chad realized at the age of five that he was different from other boys. Later on, as a teen, he realized he had stronger feelings towards boys than girls. Growing up in a fundamentalist baptist church, being gay was strongly looked down upon. “There was no healthy role model for me to grow into.” Today, Chad wants to give words and feelings to others in a similar situation as he was with his new book.

Listen in to find out how Chad came out in college, how he learned to be comfortable with himself, and how he is making an impact in the world today.

Resources Mentioned

• Get Chad’s book and grab a copy today!
• Join Me on Speak Loud Platform – Speak Loud Podcast on the web

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Want to see my brainwaves?

If you’re someone who meditates – or has ever tried – I bet you’ve asked yourself the question…. “Am I doing this right?” Even though I’ve been meditating for a lot of years, and I definitely feel that it does me good, I still wonder if I’m doing it right.

To answer that question, I bought a Muse to measure my brain waves. If you’re ready to take your meditation to the next level – you gotta check these things out. A Muse is an EEG machine that scans your brain while you meditate. Today I would like to share some of the things I’ve learned since I’ve been using it – and I’ll show you my brain scans.

HOW TO USE THE MUSE
You strap the device around your head and put on your headphones – here’s a picture of me this morning with the device and my noise-canceling headphone on.

When I’m ready to meditate, I open the Muse app on my phone and begin my session. I can choose a guided meditation or I can simply set the timer and go. When I first started I did opt for the guided sessions, now I just use the timer. I meditate for 20 minutes per session, and I do a morning and an afternoon session.

The Muse is connected to my iPhone – which is where I will see my scans at the end of my session. Those scans will reflect the amount of time I spent in an active, neutral, or calm state. The more active the brainwaves, the more intense the sound of rain I hear in my headphones – the calmer my brainwaves, the softer the rain. This biofeedback serves as an immediate indicator that allows me to bring my focus back to my practice if I’ve wandered off.

If I am able to maintain a calm state for an extended period of time, I hear birds chirping. More on the birds later.

A session readout looks something like this…on the left is my best session (calm 92% of the time), on the right is the one I just finished (too much thinking about what to write in this email and only 30% calm). I would say I average around 80% calm for most sessions.

Notice the vertical 3 bars – the lower waves are the calm states and the highest waves are the most active:

LESSONS FROM USING THE MUSE

1) Our language is completely inadequate to describe the human experience. There’s just so much in the experience of being a human that can’t be put into words. I guess that’s why we admire the effort of poets. None of the reading I’ve done on meditation adequately reflects what I see in the brainwaves. For example…

2) Everyone says “focus on the breath.” I can tell you in my experience that focusing on anything causes an increase in brainwave activity. I am most calm when I think of nothing – or as I’ve seen described in Eastern philosophy, no-thing. Focussing on the breath, like counting exhales, or chanting “OMM” is a gimmick that helps re-center and recover a wandering mind – but it doesn’t sustain a state of calm. Eventually I find myself working to focus on the gimmick, and not sitting with an empty mind.

3) Morning meditation is more calm than afternoon meditation, but I find afternoon meditation more beneficial. An afternoon meditation when at least 25% calm will leave me more energetic. The more calm I can get, the more energetic I feel after. This has lead to fewer naps and less caffeine in the afternoon.

4) There is a direct connection between the tension in my body and the tension in my head. By allowing the body to fall into a deeper state of relaxation, the mind follows. In my experience, calm begins in the body and moves to the mind. I didn’t expect this to be my experience. It’s amazing how much unrealized tension we are carrying in our body.

5) I am able to achieve a longer duration of calm when my feet are touching the ground. It’s even better when I’m outside. I haven’t found any difference in sitting on a meditation pad (this is mine), sitting on the couch, sitting in my office chair, sitting in the bed. I can tell you that there is a difference though when my feet are grounded.

6) The Muse birds are bastards. The first bird always distracts me and lures me into trying to make more birds chirp. The more I try to make the birds chirp, the less they comply. This has made obvious the degree to which I try to control everything in my life. In life and in meditation, the more I let go and let things just happen, the more they just happen and turn out the way they are supposed to. Lesson for me right now is to allow the unconscious mind the opportunity to work for me. I want the conscious mind set the goal, and then get out of the way.

7) Yes, I’m doing it right and I didn’t need a machine to tell me that. Ultimately, meditation is about training the mind to be still – to make that little voice in there shut the hell up for a minute. I don’t need a Muse device to spit out pictures of my brainwaves – but it has certainly helped bring additional focus to my practice.

Until I can see you in person, stay healthy,
Chad\

A Prayer for a Nation

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Podcast Transcript

May God bless every family who has suffered the loss or illness of a loved one from COVID-19. May we all find within us the diligence to protect ourselves and the compassion to protect one another through this pandemic.

Bless every parent who has had to carry the extraordinary burden of turning their home into a classroom. May you be granted a gift of abundant love and patience.

Bless those who have lost their jobs and may this season of difficulty pass quickly for you. May those who prosper during these times be mindful, that as we get ahead, we are not doing so at the expense of those who are being left behind.

Bless every person of color. May hate, bigotry, and racism recede from these shores. May we all see and recognize our humanity in one another, and recommit ourselves as a nation proud of our diversity.

Bless our elders. May we never take your wisdom for granted, and always remember that it is on your shoulders that we build our future.

Bless every immigrant, we are all better for your decision to call this nation home and to make your life’s contribution an American one. May we never forget that it was once our ancestors, tired and poor, yearning to be free, who made this same journey to the promise of a better life. May we live in gratitude for their sacrifices, and their dreams for us, by ensuring that others have the opportunity to share in this American experiment.

Bless the public servant, from law enforcement to healthcare workers, and everyone in between whose dedication to country and to his fellow citizens guide his life’s work. Work that, when faithfully carried out, creates and maintains a fair and safe nation, one in which the rest of us can realize our potential and chase opportunity.

Bless every ally nation who has stood by us even when you had every reason to turn your back. Grant our adversaries the wisdom to know that their efforts to divide us will not prevail.

Bless everyone whose life experience has been overcome with fear and uncertainty while the stakes for living your truth were unclear. May we never forget that as countrymen we are bound by these shared ideals; that all people are created equal and we are all equal under the law, regardless of how we worship, how much money we have, or who we love.

Bless those families who have been divided by political disagreements. Grant us the patience and open minds to listen to one another. The grace to admit our mistakes. The humility to change our minds. And the love to forgive one another. Let us never forget that it’s the love we have for each other, in spite of our differences, that determine our strength as a person and as a people. Grant us each the resilience necessary to heal – and the wisdom to know that healing must happen first as a family and then as a nation.

Bless every person who fought, bled and died for this country. Bless the families who love and support them. May we, the beneficiaries of your noble sacrifice, be sufficient in our gratitude.

Bless our leaders. Give them the courage to serve all their constituents, to educate rather than placate, to communicate and not agitate. May they seek compromise over partisanship and may their words, deeds, and actions bring us together as one indivisible nation. May they help us more clearly see that which unifies us rather than that which divides us.

Bless and forgive those who forgot that decency, character, morality, and those values that define what it means to be an American, are more valuable than any amount of money or material gain. May we remember this day and always that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is not up for debate, not a concession or a reward, is not reserved for a select few, but rather the promise made to all of us who pledge our allegiance.

Bless our country and all those who call it home. May we never forget that this country and the freedoms that it affords us isn’t just our greatest inheritance but also our greatest legacy, and may we as temporary stewards, leave it more just, more fair, and more free.

Amen.

Finding The Present

FINDING THE PRESENT

As I cross over into my 40th year, I find myself celebrating life and reflecting. My reflections centered around the presence of my three ‘selves’; past, present, and future.

AVOIDING THE PRESENT

Through meditation and reflection I spend a lot of time trying to get into touch with that present-self. I find it extraordinarily difficult. Especially in times like these, the here and now can really suck. Here and now can feel like too much to handle.

So instead of staying in the present, I’ll engage in productive escapism to avoid it, like reading, walking the dog, cooking (I never cooked pre-COVID), or organizing. But I also avoid the present with destructive escapism, like napping too much, watching too much cable news, doom-scrolling on Twitter, or eating anything that isn’t moving. I avoid the present and my responsibility for my own life, my own happiness, and my own potential during these times, opting instead to blame, shame, and avoid.

It’s not like I don’t know what’s going on, it’s just that it’s really hard for those thoughts to convert into a course of better action. My growth is my responsibility, it’s not someone else’s job to make my life easier, or happier, or more meaningful – that’s my job.

Maturity and growth result from the transcendence of environmental support to self-support. As long as we look to our environment or other people to provide our happiness, our well-being, or to fulfill our potential for us – we remain powerless – at the mercy of our environment. I hate knowing this because that means that I have to grow up. And let’s tell the truth; none of us actually wants to grow up. It’s easier to see ourselves as a kid, in need of someone else to take care of us.

Honestly, I don’t even like to call myself a “man” – I prefer the word “guy.” Men have responsibilities and take ownership of their lives. Men help themselves and sometimes even help other people. Nah, it’s much easier to be one of the “guys.” Instead of taking action toward what I want it’s easier to just wait for someone to come along and do it for me. Then I’ll blame them when they inevitably don’t – or don’t do it the right way. It’s just so much easier to blame someone else for my problems rather than accept total responsibility for my own life.

The present – this is where grown-ups live. This is where mature people live. I spend most of my time avoiding it. I avoid it because again, I know things, I know that this present, this here and now is a result of my own creation. It is always my responsibility to create it. More responsibility? No thanks, I would rather escape to either the past or future.

ESCAPE TO THE PAST

In my past lives my troubled childhood – a part of my life defined by trauma. In my past lives a younger version that valued survival and self-protection more than anything else. For most of my life I’ve carried this idea with me that the reason for my troubles is because of my childhood trauma. In a linear time, cause and effect-based world, this makes a lot of sense. What happened then has to impact what is happening now. So I’ll tell myself things like:

It’s because of the trauma that I’m not able to connect with other people.

Loneliness and isolation are defense mechanisms, means by-which I protect myself from the evil I perceive lurking in the shadows of this world.

Keep yourself small to stay safe – go unheard and unseen.

I’ve told myself over the years that it’s my present and future self that has to appear and protect that younger, scared and vulnerable version of me. What I am waking up to though is just the opposite has happened; it is not the 40-year old that is protecting the younger version of me, it is the younger version of me protecting this 40-year old.

Yes, that little kid that still lives in me is playing a much different role than I’ve been aware of. It’s not the adult, present me that’s been calling a lot of the shots for much of my life, it’s been that little kid.

And why wouldn’t I let him? He’s a smart little kid. He knows how to sense danger, how to protect himself from it, how to hide, how to manipulate others to get what he needs, he figured out how to perform in order to survive. That little kid knew that if he put on a certain act, that he could avoid being picked on.

I’m finally awakening to the fact that so much of my life has been that act, a performance, scripted by a little kid.

My self-isolation – a performance.

Avoiding my email – a performance.

Napping more than is necessary – a performance.

Working too much – a performance.

What I do for a living – a performance.

That little kid even wrote some compelling lines like:

“I don’t feel like it,”
“I’ll get to it tomorrow.”
“They don’t understand me”
“I’m different and special”

These were lines written by a little kid figuring out how to survive. All of which are lies that allow me to escape reality and responsibility of the here and now. It’s not real. It’s all an act, a scripted response to an imaginary threat. It’s not spontaneous, it’s not vibrant, it’s not being alive.

I’ve learned over these years that I’ve carried my mom and dad with me throughout my life, even when they aren’t there. I haven’t spoken to my dad in more than a decade, but I have found substitutes for him through other people; bosses, clients, colleagues. It’s not uncommon to carry with us an image of our mother or father. We do that because when we can project a mother or father into our environment, it’s easier to see ourselves as the child. It’s easier to live our lives imagining that someone or something will come along and support us – save us – take care of us. As long as we sit in this fancy delusion we will continue to deny ourselves the opportunity for growth, maturity, connection, and ultimately aliveness.

Until we release our parents (either real or projected) we will continue to see ourselves as a child. This means to release them from blame and from responsibility. This means standing on our own two feet, fully supported by the strength of our present and fully capable adult self.

ESCAPE TO THE FUTURE

It’s not just our past self that shapes our environment, it’s our future selves too. We know this idea better as anxiety.

Anxiety is leaving the present moment, and standing in the gap between here and there, standing between the way things are and the way we want them to be, essentially stuck between reality and desire. Anxiety lets us torture ourselves as a protective mechanism; “If I hurt myself then you can’t hurt me.” Being in the future, plagued by anxiety, our bodies vibrate, or itch, our skin crawls, we get a headache, or shortness of breath. Our breath exists in this moment, it’s harder to catch it in the here and now when our mind is in the future.

And just like our past, our future self is really good at writing scripts for our lives. They too are performances designed to keep us small, cause us to avoid the present, and even create chaos for our lives. Sometimes we’ll do anything to avoid the here and now, even have a panic attack.

We’re so afraid of the present that we’ll create an artificial future to worry about just to avoid the here and now. Eventually we do some much protecting and avoiding that there’s no life left. We avoid living by hiding in front of the TV or in the bed, eating ourselves to death, or getting so high we are no longer tethered to the earth. We’ve protected ourselves by building our own cage, where we starve ourselves of what we really need.

Stuck because we might be judged.
Lonely because we might get hurt.
Small because we might fall.

All the while we grow older. Waiting for someone to come along and make us feel alive. Waiting for someone to give us permission to live. Abdicating the responsibility for our lives to someone who will never come.

Small. Quiet. Unseen and unheard. We are the walking dead.

WHAT NOW?

So the question begs, what do I do now? How do I come alive? How do I connect to the present?

I think the answer is to practice. Practice bringing an awareness to that which exists only in this moment; your breath, how your body feels, what you hear, what you see, what you smell, what you feel. The key is to leave the interference and frustrations of the younger and future self out of your practice. Don’t bring them with you, only bring you in the here and now.

To my younger self, thank you for protecting me. You did an amazing job. Your job is done now and you can go.

To my future self – you aren’t real. My future isn’t yet written and so who I imagine is only fantasy.

I choose to see myself and the world for what it is.

I no longer need a performance to protect me. It’s more important for me to feel alive.

Without expectation of myself or of others, I am fully responsible for this existence as it is right here, right now.

I am that I am.

This is the present.

What do you think? Leave a comment below!

Fear of Success

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Have you ever found yourself procrastinating and not really sure why you’re putting that thing off or maybe avoiding something and not really sure why you keep avoiding that thing? Well, today we’re going to talk about the fear of success.

No, I know it sounds crazy. The fear of success. How could you possibly be afraid of success? It makes absolutely no sense. I get it, and I was a skeptic too, but you know, fears had been around in my life for a very long time, longer than I care to admit. It more plays a more of a role in my life than I care to admit. And so I’ve always studied fear and I’ve always read about fear and try to understand it, and the more I grow and figure out about myself, the more I’ve tried to understand, okay, what exactly is this fear and fear of what exactly. Now the brother of fears of success is the fear of failure, right? If the fear of failure exist, and I think we can all agree that that’s a thing, we all get that right then it must hold true that the fear of success, the opposite must also be true and exist.

So what is it though? I never really understood. So when I would research this topic and try to understand it, what I would come across in this, first of all, this is very, very common. A lot of people have a fear of success. This is more common than you can believe. But what I were to read about other people’s stories, they would say things like, you know, if if I made more money, for example, they’d more money would mean that I would have more responsibility to be a good steward of that money. Or other people would expect things from me and they would expect me to take care of them because I would now have the resources to help it. And that, you know, the other example I would read is like a fear of promotion, uh, or, or a fear of success in a promotional setting.

So I’m not going to get that promotion because if I take that promotion, then that means it’s going to be more responsibility to the people that I work with. And that additional responsibility means that I might not have as much time to do the things that I want to be doing with my time, or I might not have, it might take away time from my family. And so subconsciously we would avoid the promotion or we to avoid the mate making more money because it would be a fear of, of that additional responsibility. Now I’d get right, I understand what that means, but it never really resonated for me. And I think that’s because when for better or worse, when someone demonstrates a need to me, I don’t really shy away from that. Like, if you can clearly articulate that you need something, I want to try to help people.I’m not afraid of that responsibility. So while I got what these other people were experiencing, how they were experiencing it, it just didn’t resonate with me. So I’m sitting in therapy and you know that I love therapy. I’m sitting in therapy and um, I start explaining to my therapist this thing that’s been going on with me and, and it’s like, you know, things are starting to fire more quickly for me. I’m starting to recognize the triggers, recognize why that person might, might make me feel that way and where that comes from and put it in place and know how to deal with it and know how to move forward. Right. I knowing why that situation causes me anxiety and I’m able to deal with it, recognize it and move forward. So things are really clicking. And so I asked my therapist, I’m like, Hey, what is this?

Is there a name for what I’m experiencing right now where things are just clicking things are, is firing on all cylinders for me? And he goes, well, he goes, you know, I don’t know if there’s really a name for it, but I understand what you’re saying. He says, that may mean, like he said that maybe a, what would be calling my world emotional maturation. And I got really excited about that because it was like, Oh my gosh, I’m maturing. I’m growing right there. This is all pay it off. And I got super excited about it, but I also, as soon as he said it, I said, okay, well when does therapy end? Whatever we done. And I think that that probably came off. It certainly sounded like a to my ear as in, um, well if we’ve done our job, this thing is over, let’s move on.

Right? But I love therapy and I, I’ve had people ask me, well, what are you going to stop therapy? Never. Right? I had no intentions of ever stopping. I really get a lot out of it. I like my therapist a lot. I get a lot out of the process, so I don’t want to stop. So why would I ask in that moment, Hey, when does all of this end? And what I’ve come to realize is when he said emotional maturation, to me, that was like, that represented a goal that represented a finish line that represented success. And so when he mentioned that it was success, I immediately got scared. Fear of this success. Because if I reached that success on the other end of that, I’m not sure what is going to happen. It creates a lot of uncertainty, uncertainty for me, if I were to achieve that goal and I didn’t like that, right?

Well, if I don’t have therapy, then what do I have? What do I do on Monday mornings if I don’t have therapy? Like who do I call when I have an issue? Right? If I don’t have therapy, how am I going to process and get feedback? All of these things start going through my mind, afraid of if I hit that goal, which he didn’t even say it was a goal. He was just like, it sounds like emotional moderation. I thought it was a goal. And so I immediately start into, well, what’s on the other side of that goal? And I got scared. So this immediately hit me. It’s like this is fear of success. So for me, and I’m speaking just for me, right? But the fear of success wasn’t about responsibility and additional responsibility that I read so much about and you can find so much about online.

But for me, achieving a goal and knowing what’s on the other side of it, the uncertainty of what’s on the other side of that goal is terrifying. Even though I want that goal, even though I want to achieve that thing, whether it be, you know, whatever it is in any area of my life, whatever that is, it creates anxiety about what’s next, right. What’s on the other side of that and that fear of uncertainty and what comes next overrides my, uh, you know, it’s, it’s almost like I sabotage the goal because that uncertainty is so dominating. Uh, it’s so dominant in my mind. So thinking of that, I, I always have to have a plan and I want to give you a plan. If you’re experiencing something like this or if this resonates with you, what do you do about that? And so I have a couple of ways that I think we can deal with it.

And the first one is, first of all, we have to recognize where it’s showing up for us. Okay. So there are three ways that I think that this shows up for us. One, are we procrastinating? Is there an area in our life where we’re like, keep putting that thing off. Keep putting that thing off. I’ll do it next year. I’ll do it next month. I’ll start that thing tomorrow. Are there things in our life that we keep procrastinating that we keep putting off? If so, I wonder if that’s a flag for if I do that, if I achieve it, if I get it done, what’s on the other side of it? So the first one is look for procrastination. The second things, something weird is happening outside. The second thing is avoidance or denial. So are we just pretending that that problem does not exist at all?

Is that how we’re coping with any issue that’s creeping up? Um, we’re just going to let it be, I think about earlier in my life. Debt, right? Accumulating credit card debt and thinking about, I’m just going to pretend that it doesn’t exist. If it doesn’t exist, I don’t have to deal with it. And that’s a weird way to think about what’s on the other side of it. But sometimes our identities become intertwined with our current state. And if we change that identity, we don’t know who to be on the other side of it. And they can show up in really, really weird places, right? That’s an odd place for that to show up. But sometimes our identity can gets so tied in to the way things that are that we avoid moving those things and changing those situations. How to fear of who would we be without that attached to our identity.

So are we avoiding, are we just pretending that that does not exist? And the third thing is overanalyzing. So is there something in your life that you’re not acting on or you think that you’re acting on? You’re telling yourself that you’re acting on it, but really all you’re doing is over analyzing you. Just trying to figure it out, trying to figure it out all in your head. So not doing much about it, right? But writing plan after plan, strategy after strategy, analyzing, analyzing over and over and over. So when those three things start to show up, I am putting it off. I’m pretending it doesn’t exist or I’m just analyzing the heck out of it. I wonder if those are red flags for if I achieve it. I’m afraid of what might come, whether that’s responsibility or if that’s a, in my case, a fear of uncertainty on what’s on the other side of that thing.

So those are the three areas where I say, all right, pay attention to what’s going on. If you’re seeing one of those three things, really pay attention to what’s happening there. Now, what happens once you realize, all right, there’s this thing, this is what I’m doing. How do I move past this? All right, I’ve got three different ideas for you for how to cope with that. So the first one is going to be to condition to your mind, condition, your mind, what to expect on the other side. So in my case where it’s uncertainty that I’m trying to avoid, create certainty for what’s on the other side. Now I’m silly things to make this happen. All right? So one of the things that I do is I’ve literally got on the internet and taken screenshots of what I want my life to look like once I’ve got a goal.

And so I’ll condition my mind to see, right? Actually see, this is what my surroundings will look like. This is what my life will look like. These are the things that I’m going to experience on the other side of achieving this goal. And so I get up in the morning and I meditate. This is why meditation and being intentional about our efforts are so important. Sorry. That’s why that’s so important is we have to condition our mind to see that and become certain in that thing. So I literally, when I, before I meditate, I’ll watch my little video. It’s like 48 seconds long. So I’ll watch my video where I see images of the life I’m going to be living, right? I’m creating certainty. I know what’s on the other side of this goal. It’s not scary enough. Familiar. I have pictures of it. Okay.

And they, and so that’s, that’s a little silly thing I do and then be intentional. I set intentions about what it’s going to be, so I create a gap, right? That’s also creating the gap, so I’m saying this is what my life is, this is where I want to go. I can see that when I achieved my goal, I am certain about what that’s going to become. Second, you have to create discipline around the focus that you have on your outcomes. Think about a flight of stairs. When we go down a flight of stairs with, without thinking about it, we just put one foot in front of the other and go down the stairs and we get to the bottom unharmed and uninjured, right? There are a million things that could go wrong walking down a flight of stairs, but we don’t focus on those, right?

We don’t focus on the potential of tripping on the first step. We don’t think about, well, we get to the fourth step. I’m going to fall in, break my nose. We don’t think about that. We just subconsciously see ourselves at the end of that 30 seconds of going down that flight of stairs being at the bottom of that flight of stairs. When we think about the goals and our lives and things that we want out of our lives, there are a million different things that can go wrong obviously, right? You could fail, fall on your face. Lots of things could go really, really wrong. And what I want to encourage you to do it start focusing on the thing that you actually want to happen, not on all the things that could happen. Be really disciplined and focused about what it is the outcome is that you want in your life.

The third thing, and I think that this is the most important, enlist other people in your journey. So I use Pasha for this all the time. When Pasha was growing up as a kid, he didn’t have this fear of change. He moved around a lot as a kid and so moving change met new friends, right? And so he doesn’t have this fear of success like I have. For me, change was scary. And so I lean on Pasha now and I, I am and list him in my journey. We set that journey together and we should do it more, but it certainly helps when I do reach out for him and ask for help and borrow his enthusiasm and borrow his vigor and borrow his, uh, the way that he embraces changed. So unless people in your journey who bring a different perspective to success and failure, this has been the fear of success. I hope that this served you. I hope that helped you. If it did, please share it with a friend, uh, and have a wonderful holiday. Take care of yourself.

What do you think? Leave a comment below!

 

Perspective – Life’s Lens

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Hi I’m Chad Peevy and today I wanna talk about perspective.

And so I’m gonna share my slides with you and walk you through what is, I guess it could, it’s my perspective octagon. It has eight different sides to it and what I wanna do is just share with you how I sometimes look at life, perspective being the lens through which we look at our current circumstances or we currently look at our life.

Sometimes those are positive and sometimes those are negative. I wanted to show you how I’m looking at it because quite honestly this is something that I have to battle with all the time. It’s getting my mind in the right spot and keeping a positive perspective on my life and my outlook. I wanted to share that with you today and so I’m gonna provide you, if you’re watching this on YouTube you can click the link below to go to the blog post for this video where you can download the worksheet that I’m providing and if you’re on the blog post already, just look down below for a link to download the worksheet.

Because what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna show you my octagon and I would like for you to create your octagon and using mine as sort of a template for how you create yours. So let’s jump right in.

So as you can see here on this slide, there’s my octagon which is the lens through which I am looking at life and inside you see the word up here comparison. And this I think is a really dangerous place to be, not only in business, we hear in business don’t compare the front end of somebody else’s business to the back end of yours. And what people mean by that is, people are only sharing the good and the positive things that are happening in their business and you may be feeling like your business is a disaster. It may be chaos because you get to see everything; the good, the bad, and the ugly. And especially if you have a team, you’re seeing a lot of the ugly because a lot of times your team is helping you with those things that don’t really need to make it to your plate. And a lot of times the things that the team may be filtering out are those positive interactions, the thank you’s and the accolades that you get for doing the work that you do. So especially if you’re in a leadership position in your organization it’s sometimes tough to see the full picture because you’re dealing with so many of the issues day in and day out. But when we’re looking at life through comparison, when we’re comparing our lives to that of others, it can be an easy time for us to get down on ourselves and feel frustrated with where we are.

The alternative to that is to look at your strengths. Look at the things that you’ve done well, look at what’s going great in your life, look at what those things are that make you uniquely you, that make you special, that allow you to bring value to your customers, that allow you to bring value to relationships, whatever those things are. I think that’s a much healthier place to be, a different lens to look through your life than one of comparison.

What’s worked well? How can you recreate that?

The second one is loneliness and this is tough for so many people. There are studies coming out more and more that we are one of the loneliest and most isolated societies in the history of man and it’s a real epidemic. People are feeling more and more isolated, more and more lonely, which is ironic because we have all of these different ways to connect now through social media and online platforms but more and more we are feeling isolated and lonely.

And so to combat that, I would say reach out and ask for help. Reach out and look for those people that support you and what you’re doing, that support you in your life, that support you in being you and ask for that help. Seek out those interactions so that you can be around people that are gonna lift you up and make you feel less lonely. And I know that that may sound super easy and condensed down into something that’s just too simple, but this can be one of the things that you get up in the morning and think about, one of the actions that you can take today to make today productive, to live your best life, and one of the things that you can put on that list of things to do is to make sure that you connect with people that make you feel good about who you are and who you are working to be.

The next one is uncertainty and this is one that I think a lot of us struggle with that are business owners because we look down the pike, we look down the path, and it’s very, very uncertain and there’s so many variables that we do not control that we don’t understand that are not in focus for us right now that can impact what that path is gonna look like, what our futures look like. Something could happen to the market, something, a natural disaster could come along. Anything could happen. We could get sick, a family member could get sick. So many things could happen, right? And that’s the operative word there, so many things could happen and those, our mind immediately goes there because we’re always trying to survive, right? Our minds go to survival and we’re always looking at risk and trying to figure out how to mitigate those risks and make the most of any situation. So that’s where our mind naturally goes.

I think one way to overcome that way of thinking is to look back at your track record. What have you done in your past that has gotten you to where you are now? What is your track record so far? Is it one that is littered with chaos and tragedy and natural disasters? Maybe, but probably not, and even if so you made it this far. So what are the things that you’ve done along your record of, your track record of success that have made you who you are today?

The next one is randomness. When I look at my life and allow my life to be consumed with randomness, I get random results. And so I think this is also a dangerous lens through which we can view our lives and that is being open to randomness or not keeping our eye on the prize and allowing randomness to come into our life.

The opposite of that, the better lens in my opinion is to be in charge of writing your own story. And what I think about when I think about this is I’m working on a career as a speaker and a teacher, that’s what I wanna be doing more of and I know that the most effective talks that I hear are those where the speaker is telling a story about where they were and where they wound up. And so now when things are happening to me in my life I’m thinking about the story that I wanna be able to tell one year from now, five years, or 10 years from now. What is it that I’m gonna write about this period of my life? This leaves me, this lends me to think that I have more control of my life, and I think that that’s absolutely true. Because we are, I am in the moment framing and writing the stories that I want to be able to tell, so I’m leaving less opportunities for randomness to seek, seep into my life.

Next one is the head in the sand and this is basically shrinking away from your problems. When you’re looking at your life and a problem or a circumstance comes along that has ya down, it’s a bad place to go just to stick your head in the sand and shrink away from your problems.

You are bigger than your problems.

But what I’d rather you do is to look at the opportunities to learn. What is it that I can learn from the experience that I’m having right now? What is the universe teaching me right now about what I’m going through? And what, what should I be learning to get through this, right? I think we should always be thinking about our continuing education, investing in ourselves, reading as much as we can, learning as much as we can about ourselves. And so not just learning the lessons that life is handing you right now but what should you be learning so that you can handle this type of situation even better in the future? So I think it’s a good perspective in our lives to always be continually learning.

The next is being too much into self. Now when I first started my business I think I was very interested in self because self was survival, right? I had to think about me and my business and my income because I had to pay the rent, I had to buy the groceries, I had people to take care of, right?

Get out of self and into service.

So I was all about self, but there does come a point in our lives where we have to get out of self and into service if we really wanna be happy and fulfilled with what we’re doing in our lives. So being of a servant’s mind and being in a servant mindset and adding value for others, creating value for others I think is a healthier perspective through which we can look at our lives.

The next one is fear and there’s so much that we could be afraid of, which it’s no accident that that’s across the way from uncertainty but fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of looking stupid, all of those things it’s easy for our minds to go there. That’s one perspective through which we can look at our lives is one of fear.

The opposite of that is to always show up as your best self no matter what the circumstances might be. So, I think ya know there’s the saying that you fake it until you make it. I don’t really buy into that. I think, especially in this sense if we’re afraid, it’s not like our best self left us. Our best self, our best versions of ourselves is always with us. It may take a little bit more work to muster up that best self in order to get that best self to show up when we need it to, but it’s not faking it, right? And no matter what’s going on in your life, always show as your best self. I find this in my business when we go to collect money from clients who have fallen behind on their payments. And when that happens, when people get in a mindset of scarcity there’s a lot of fear with that and understandably so. But typically when we call to try to collect on that we get yelled at, people are rude, they hang up, they’re just kinda nasty and I know that that’s not really who they are at the core but they’re allowing fear to dictate their behavior in that moment. Would it be better if they just said, “Hey, Chad I’m so sorry but we’re having some rough times “and we’re working on getting our payments caught up “but if you can just give us a month or two “to get this straightened out, we’d really appreciate it.” That would go so much further than being nasty about it and not showing up as your best self.

Your best self is always there, you don’t have to fake it to make it.

The next one is just being unaware. And being unaware of what you currently have and the flip side of that is gratitude.

I don’t think that you can say it enough that one of the best perspectives we can have for our life is being in a perspective of gratitude and appreciating the things that we have, the things that we’ve overcome, the things that we’ve gone through, the things that we’ve been able to achieve and our success and our health, gratitude can completely flip any negative perception that we might have in our lives.

Gratitude can re-frame any perspective.

No matter what this inner circle, how we may be looking at life through one of these lenses of these, the inner circle here, gratitude can help us out overcome any one of those if we can be in a place of gratitude for the things that we have and the things that we’ve done.

This is my octagon for perspective and what I would like to do is challenge you to come up with your own. What you can see here in the middle I’ve put the negative perspective, the places that I tend to go when things are not going my way, those are on the inside. What are those for you? And I’m giving you a worksheet so that you can do this exercise on your own but what are those things that keep you from being your best self, that keep you not feeling great, the things that hold you down? What’s going on with you when that happens? And you may have an octagon, you may have square, you may have a triangle, but whatever that is figure out what those inside things are that are holding you back and then think about the opposite of that and that’s what goes on the outside of the circle. Ya know, instead of being unaware, be in gratitude. Instead of being in fear, show up as my best self. Instead of being in self, be in service. What are those things for you? And so I hope that you’ll take this exercise and get value from it, do the exercise.

I would love it if you would share your feedback with me. You can find me on Facebook or you can always email me and let me know how it went.

What do you think? Leave a comment below!

5 Ways to Build Your Confidence

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Hey, it’s Chad Peevy and today I wanna give you five tips on building confidence.

I think there’s this misnomer in the marketplace about being confident and it’s like, oh, I’ve gotta be Superman or I’ve gotta be Batman and really you need to be Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent. There’s a lot more of that in actually being confident.

Five tips, the first tip is identify as your future self and I wanna talk about this in two different parts. The first one is I want you talking to other people as your future self. It’s almost like you’re speaking into existence the person you want to become. So work on that. Don’t come from your current circumstances. Nobody wants to hear your bullshit. They wanna hear how you figured it out, right? They wanna hear who you are becoming. So talk to other people like that. The second thing is to talk to yourself as your future self. You’ve heard me say before that there are three people that live inside you, your past self, your current self, and your future self. So always be in conversation and be having an internal dialogue from your future self, the healthy self that is the person that you’re working to become.

Second tip, these are five tips on confidence. Number one, identify with your future self. Number two, know exactly what confidence is. Confidence and my mentor explains confidence this way. He says confidence is your belief and your ability to figure things out and that is empowering because I think we get on camera or we do lead generating or we’re talking to people or even talking to our kids or parents of our kid’s friends and we get in conversations and we get small, and I want you to be big. So I want you to get in touch with your future self. I want to believe in your ability to figure things out, whether it’s starting that business, changing that career or just having conversations with friends. Whatever the circumstance is, you can figure things out. Believe in that. Another way to help you think about that is to look at your own track record. So, have you figured things out before? Have you been successful before? And lean on that track record as you move in to the person that you’re becoming.

Number three, the third tip on building your confidence is to ask for help. I like to have growth friends. So I have a friend that comes over and does these videos with me. He’s a little bit further ahead than I am in the social media and video space and he gives me someone that can give me an educated perspective on what I’m doing and it encourages me to keep moving and keep growing. So get yourself around growth friends. I think it’s a little bit demotivating to even try to be around people who may be Oprah status for whatever it is you’re trying to do because that’s so out of reach for me right now, but I want it to be inspired by that but not necessarily be demotivated or unengaged because I’m trying to be something that is so far from where I currently am. Allow for vulnerability in asking for help. Confidence is asking for help. I had a friend call me this morning and said I’m in a tough spot. I need help finding a new job, can you connect me with someone? That’s a very confident thing to do because by asking me that, he knows that I’m gonna go to bat for him. I’m gonna put my reputation on the line to make connections for him and that’s gonna help him, and that’s a very confident thing to do. The opposite way to look at that is to think about the guy that knows everything. I think that we have this idea of confidence as the guy who does everything right, that knows everything, that’s the know it all and what do we call the guy that knows everything and is the know it all? They’re an asshole, nobody likes that guy. So it’s not confidence, it’s just being a jerk.

The fourth tip on building your confidence is to celebrate your success. Start celebrating even the small things. If you’re a high-performing individual, then you’re doing a lot of things at a rapid pace and you’re doing them well. Take a minute to slow down and recognize the things that you’re doing well so that you morph into that person. You can be coming from a different place, recognizing your achievements and successes along the way.

The fifth practice for building your confidence is to practice confidence. You’re not born learning how to walk. You have to crawl, and you keep getting up, you’re gonna fall down a lot but you keep doing it, you keep practicing until you get what you’re looking for. There are not a lot of people crawling around on the streets. They kept practicing, they kept doing it. Same with your confidence. If you’re wanting to build your confidence, you have to practice your confidence.

What do you think? Leave a comment below!

What to Do When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed?

Nearly every agent that I talk to says that they’re overwhelmed and, you know, when I feel overwhelmed, my first reaction is to want to go jump in the bed and watch Netflix. My first instinct is to just shut down. That’s where I go. Have you ever felt the same way?

I started trying some new tips and tricks to help me get over that hump and to move myself forward just a little bit, so I wanted to share a few of those ideas with you. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, hang on for just a second and keep reading and follow this exercise; I’m hoping you’ll love these ideas as much as I do.

Try this.

The first thing I want you to do is this: get out a sheet of paper and list all of the tasks that you think you need to get done. Right now! Find that paper, get a pen, and start writing down every single task on your plate. Write down everything that you feel is standing in the way of your progress. What are those things that need to happen? And I want it be everything…not just in your professional life, but in your personal life as well. What’s going on in your life that just needs your attention? What are the things that are going to require some time? What are those obligations?

The next step: look for some similarities between those tasks and start creating categories. Many of those tasks are going to be able to be clumped together. Types of categories in your life could include family obligations, some could be lumped together as marketing obligations, or some could even be in the camp of lead generating or continuing education. Start looking for those tasks that belong in the same category and put them there.

Once you get them organized, I want you to prioritize each task in those categories. Take the category of marketing, for example. I’m going to take a look at each task that I listed out that has anything to do with marketing and I will assign those tasks a prioritization number. I’m going to do that for every single category.

So if you weren’t feeling overwhelmed yet, by now you should really feel overwhelmed going through this exercise. It will feel like a lot! There is, however, good news here, so stick with me. We’re going to keep going. You’re going to prioritize everything in those categories, and then you’re going to prioritize the categories themselves.

What should come first? Family obligations? Do you love your kids? Do you love your significant other? If so, they might be number one. If not, find a different category. Maybe lead generating or marketing is your number one priority. What is number one for you? Which category? What category is number two? What category is number three? Put all of those things in order.

Then start!

Then you’re just going to start. Category one, priority one. That’s the first thing I have to do. That’s going to move me forward, so that’s what I’m going to do right now. This other stuff, it can wait. I’ll get to it, but it’s time for category one, priority one. This is happening right now. And that’s going to help you move forward. That’s going to just make you feel better and help you feel like you’ve got a little bit more of handle on what’s going on and what needs to get done. Just getting that handle on your personal and business situations and diving into this organizational technique is going to make you feel so much better.

Get that done today. It’s going to make you feel so great. You’re going to be going in the right direction. Your right direction.

Take care, and take the time to put your priorities in order. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.

What do you think? Leave a comment below!

Overcoming Loneliness in Business

I had a coffee with an old friend of mine this morning who also owns his own business. After half a cup of coffee into our conversation, he turns to me and says….

“You know, you were right. Being a business owner can be really lonely.”

Having a support network is going to be critical to your success in business. You need those people in your life who will let you just talk while they listen – even when you don’t make any sense, even when you’re scared, even when you don’t know what to do next. AND – you need to allow yourself to start talking out those fears, insecurities and unknowns.

Get out of your head. Start talking. Sometimes just hearing the words come out of your own mouth will make whatever situation you’re working through become more clear for you.

If you don’t have that person in your life, find them. That may be your significant other, if you have one. Don’t be afraid to tell them that you need a supportive ear. Your other half, if they are like most, is going to want to help. Sometimes that mean that they are going to want to fix whatever you’re experiencing. I encourage you to remind them that sometimes you just need to be able to talk, and that you don’t always need action from them, just to listen.

If you don’t have that person in your life, remember that your accountability partner in RAMP UP may be that person for you. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Talk out what you’ve got cooking in your head.

Then return the favor, listen. Ask your accountability partner questions, let them know that you are there to listen if they want to talk out the issues they are facing in their business.

As we all go on this insane journey of running our own business, it’s important that we support one another. Remember that we are all here to serve our communities, we are all here to create a better life for ourselves and our families, we are all just trying to do and be better.

Wishing you joy and abundance today and always,

Chad

 

What do you think? Leave a comment below!